I've been waiting a long time to write this post.
I just can't seem to find the right words. I still feel like I can't find them.
This morning was spent in the ER with Cash. He had a crisis severe enough to warrant intervention. Things started looking up after a few hours. I held him on my lap throughout the whole process, & as I held him I started to ache. Then cramp. I tried to ignore the nagging feeling in the back of my mind, & remain focused on Cash. Finally we got the good news that he had improved enough to go home. We managed to avoid the hospital. Thank heavens.
By the time he was discharged & in the car, I was in extreme pain. And shock. I knew what was happening & I was doing everything in my power not to believe it. You see, just a short time ago, I took a little test, & saw two important pink lines. Matt & I had a hard time trying for Cash, so to see those lines after only a few months, well, it was wonderful. The timing was exactly what we had hoped for. This baby would be born almost exactly two years after Cash. We were overjoyed.
We made it home & luckily my sister was there to help watch over Cash. I sat on the stairs praying that this was not happening. That's when I started to bleed.
I don't even know what to write beyond that. The feelings were completely new to me, the emotional (& psychical) pain felt unbearable.
Like any minute it would crush me.
The miscarriage was confirmed by my Dr.
& a prescription given to ease the physical pain.
What about the pain in my heart?
They say time heals all wounds, so in situations like that, you just have to hurt. And hurt.
I know it was nothing compared to what some have had to suffer through.
But it was still my child. A child that I had already loved.
As time has passed, I feel at peace with what happened. I know that my loving Heavenly Father is in charge, & that because of the sacrifice of the Savior, I will get to be a mother to that baby some day.
There is still a hole in my heart, where that little one is. I still ache over that loss. But I feel peace. I guess that's the biggest miracle of the Atonement. That the Savior can take that heartache that I feel, & make it easier to carry.
That I can feel comfort instead of despair.
I don't think time heals all wounds, but time does ease them a little.
And I'm grateful for that.
I just can't seem to find the right words. I still feel like I can't find them.
This morning was spent in the ER with Cash. He had a crisis severe enough to warrant intervention. Things started looking up after a few hours. I held him on my lap throughout the whole process, & as I held him I started to ache. Then cramp. I tried to ignore the nagging feeling in the back of my mind, & remain focused on Cash. Finally we got the good news that he had improved enough to go home. We managed to avoid the hospital. Thank heavens.
By the time he was discharged & in the car, I was in extreme pain. And shock. I knew what was happening & I was doing everything in my power not to believe it. You see, just a short time ago, I took a little test, & saw two important pink lines. Matt & I had a hard time trying for Cash, so to see those lines after only a few months, well, it was wonderful. The timing was exactly what we had hoped for. This baby would be born almost exactly two years after Cash. We were overjoyed.
We made it home & luckily my sister was there to help watch over Cash. I sat on the stairs praying that this was not happening. That's when I started to bleed.
I don't even know what to write beyond that. The feelings were completely new to me, the emotional (& psychical) pain felt unbearable.
Like any minute it would crush me.
The miscarriage was confirmed by my Dr.
& a prescription given to ease the physical pain.
What about the pain in my heart?
They say time heals all wounds, so in situations like that, you just have to hurt. And hurt.
I know it was nothing compared to what some have had to suffer through.
But it was still my child. A child that I had already loved.
As time has passed, I feel at peace with what happened. I know that my loving Heavenly Father is in charge, & that because of the sacrifice of the Savior, I will get to be a mother to that baby some day.
There is still a hole in my heart, where that little one is. I still ache over that loss. But I feel peace. I guess that's the biggest miracle of the Atonement. That the Savior can take that heartache that I feel, & make it easier to carry.
That I can feel comfort instead of despair.
I don't think time heals all wounds, but time does ease them a little.
And I'm grateful for that.
4 remarks:
You always say things so perfectly. Like how you just have to hurt & hurt until time softens the pain a bit (but never really fills the hole). I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
I am so so sorry for your loss. I lost my very first pregnancy which took a bit to get in the first place and nothing can describe how difficult it is.
I'm so sorry for you and your family, Cierra. But you're such a strong person and you have a great outlook on the situation. You're in my prayers. -Kaycie
I'm so sorry about your sad news. I lost a baby in between Zander and Layla...I know that hurt in your heart. In time things will get better. Thinking about you guys:)
xoxo
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